Thursday, September 25, 2014

Be Gracious to Yourself



There’s not much more to say about Dr. C. except that at our last session he gave me life-saving advice. I was leaving Dayton to attend graduate school at the University of Minnesota, and he knew my penchant for seeking perfection so as to win approval. He also, I think, knew what graduate school would demand of me.
And so he said, “Dee, do you understand the term psychic energy?
“No. I’ve never heard it before.”
“It means the energy that comes from your spirit. A Catholic would say ‘from your soul.’”
“Okay.”
“Psychic energy is the deep-down source of your response to life. It’s the force that keeps you going.”
“Like drawing water from the well when you need it?”
“Yes. Something like that.”
I looked at him, not knowing where he was going with this new information.
“Dee, let’s say that we have this much psychic energy for each decade of our lives.” He spread his arms far apart.
“We use up our psychic energy throughout the decade. Then we start another decade and use that psychic energy. Sometimes we have some left over from one decade for another.”
“Okay.”
“The thing is, Dee, I believe you not only used up all your psychic energy for your twenties when you were in the convent, but that you’ve already used up all your psychic energy for your thirties. You’re only thirty-three now and you’ve used up everything for this decade. You’ve asked too much of yourself.”
“What do you mean?
“I mean you don’t have any psychic energy in reserve for the rest of your thirties. And you have several years to go. You’re living on the edge of your own resources. You not only have no psychic energy for the thirties, you have no reserves from the twenties.”
“So what do I do?”
         “Be gracious to yourself.”
I didn’t truly understand the import of what he was trying to tell me, but as the years passed I realized what being gracious to myself meant. I needed to cut myself some slack. To be kinder to myself. Less demanding.
Those realizations spanned years. During the years between 1969 and 1975 I became increasingly suicidal. Then, in 1975—when I was thirty-nine—I began to see a St. Paul psychiatrist and finally talked about hallucinating and suicide. She prescribed an anti-psychotic mood enhancer. That medication changed my life dramatically.
Thirty years later—when I was seventy years old—Meniere’s entered my life. It was then that I truly learned what “being gracious” to myself meant.
In her comment on my posting last Thursday, Friko noted that I seem to have lived with a lifelong loneliness and neediness. I think her assessment is accurate. But because of the help I’ve received during this journey and because I’ve worked hard to grow emotionally, I now cherish my friends but I also know—deep down in the marrow of my bones—that my acceptance of myself is more important than winning anyone else’s approval. This has led to contentment, pressed down and overflowing.



Postscript: Would you like me to continue with those early days in Dayton after I left the convent? Or would you like me to continue to post stories about other psychiatrists and counselors I saw—in New Hampshire and Minnesota?
At some point in the next months and years, I’ll cover all of this. But perhaps you’d prefer that I stick with a single subject—like re-entering the world after the convent or like the counseling that helped me on my life’s journey. Please let me know your druthers. Peace.

Well photo from Wikipedia.


27 comments:

  1. I can't choose. I love everything you write. And Dee, please be gracious to yourself.

    Love,
    Janie

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  2. If you've learned to like yourself even half as much as I like you, you'll be fine!!

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  3. Write what you need to, when you need to. We will devour it with relish when and as it arrives.
    Cutting myself some slack? I know it is the right thing to do, but it is hard. Very hard. I demand a lot more of myself than I do of others (and than anyone does of me). And still beat up on myself for my failures.
    These days I try the two handed approach. One to whip myself and the other to pat myself on the back for any successes.

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  4. Every human being knows loneliness and neediness. We are scattered and sundered, yet we're meant to be united. Gifts that gather and unite us arrive at times, like when your good counselor helped you. I call this God's grace, and I'm fine with others calling it what they will. I wouldn't mind hearing more of your story on its chronological path, but whichever way you decide to tell it I know will be interesting. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. Druthers? Druthers? Why druthers?
    You’re doing it again, putting the requirements of others before your own.

    Write what YOU need to write now and if YOU need to write about something else tomorrow or next week, write about that then.

    Everything you write is of interest because it is an account of a human being’s journey towards understanding and acceptance of herself.

    So please, dear Dee, follow your own path and allow us to share the journey without telling you where to next.

    I for one shall be coming along for the ride.

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  6. So good to see your name, Dee!
    I want to hear more about New Hampshire and Minnesota...your life growing to be gracious catches me.
    A MD said to me everytime I saw him, "Be kind to yourself." I think of that every day.

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  7. To be gracious to yourself is an excellent advice. It does seem that you had been too critical with yourself until then. I always enjoy coming to your blog and read whatever you have written in your last post. You have a great memory. I enjoy reading your recollections on your life at the convent, after the convent or with your medical advisers.

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  8. Having to be gracious to ourselves can sometimes slip by our sight as we do everything else, but we have to remember to do it indeed. Whatever you write is fine for me at your feed.

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  9. Any order is fine with me -- it's all very interesting. What I finally came up with for myself was to treat myself the same way I treated others. I would never have been as hard on others as I was on myself and what worked for me was to ask myself how would I treat friend/daughter/student if it was her. And then,do the same for myself.

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  10. Friko is a very wise soul. I read what she wrote in her comment and feel that she spoke for me as well. You were very lucky to find such helpful counselors during your early life, and now you've got a bunch of hangers-on who will read whatever you write. I'm also one of them. :-)

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  11. I'm here for the ride wherever you take us, Dee. I think Friko cut to the core, both in your previous post and here; do what is best for you, my friend.

    Being gracious to oneself; a tricky dance for many of us and for many reasons, I'm sure, but good advice for you, dear Dee, and for all of us as well.

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  12. Women, especially, have difficulty being gracious to themselves. Sacrifice, putting ourselves last, and blaming ourselves for everything, even what is not under our control, can play havoc on our lives and mind. You, dear Dee, have been on a long journey and are an inspiration to all you have touched in life and now to all your readers. Gracious to yourself, you should be. You are a treasure.

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  13. I agree with Friko's comment--write what YOU are drawn to write. Don't worry about pleasing us! We love you and will gladly read whatever you choose to share with us. Being as kind and generous with ourselves as we would a stranger seems to be something that takes time for some of us to learn. ;)

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  14. HELLO ALL,

    I'M CAPPING THIS SO IT WILL STAND OUT AS A RESPONSE TO ALL THESE THOUGHTFUL AND YES, CONCERNED, COMMENTS.

    REST ASSURED THAT I DIDN'T ASK WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO READ BECAUSE I NEED YOUR APPROVAL OR BECAUSE I WANT TO PLEASE YOU.

    I ASKED BECAUSE THE TOPIC REALLY DOESN'T MATTER TOO MUCH TO ME. I CAN SEE POSTINGS FOR THIS ON-LINE MEMOIR STRETCHING FOR ANOTHER COUPLE OF YEARS OR MAYBE THREE OR MORE.

    AND SO MOVING BACK AND FORTH IN THE DECADES OF MY LIFE OR GOING WITH A THEME REALLY DOESN'T MATTER MUCH TO ME.

    EVERY STORY I WRITE HELPS ME DISCOVER THE MEANING OF MY LIFE'S JOURNEY. AND SO WHAT I WRITE DOESN'T INTEREST ME AS MUCH AS WHAT I DISCOVER EACH THURSDAY MORNING WHEN I SIT DOWN AT THE COMPUTER AND THE WORDS START TO COME.

    IN THE WRITING I FIND SO MUCH FOR WHICH TO BE GRATEFUL AND I FIND THAT MY RESPONSE TO LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF CONTINUING TO EXPLORE THE POSSIBILITIES OF BEING HUMAN.

    EVEN AS I WRITE I CONTINUE TO LEARN FROM THE WORDS THAT COME AND FROM YOUR RESPONSE TO THEM. FOR ME, THIS IS ALL PART OF MY OWN SPIRITUAL PATH. IT IS PART OF THE ONENESS I SEEK WITH ALL CREATION.

    PEACE.

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  15. What an angel he was at a time when I can't imagine many psychiatrists (especially male ones) would have recognized what was happening with you and been able to talk about it in such a way that you could see it! It is truly astonishing to me how many of us go through life not truly understanding how vital it is to care for ourselves, truly and deeply. I honestly believe that a peaceful world begins with peaceful individuals who can recognize their own value. Thank you for spreading the word. Love.

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  16. I never heard of using up psychic energy by decade, but I think that is just what had happened to you and what you needed to hear. You always tell me to be gracious to myself, something I have never before had a problem with. However, this post reached me as I find myself getting bogged down by my husband's illness, by the changes for the worse it is bringing out in his personality. I went around muttering to my self that I wasn't going to spend the last years of MY life being miserable, he overheard it, which I guess I meant for him to, and he had another fit of anger. Those words that angel of a psychiatrist gave you are so true. I will remember them and work on that, no matter what happens. Be good to my husband and gracious to myself, not matter what goes on. Thank you dear Dee for this timely post.

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  17. Dear Inger, I'm so glad that this posting spoke to you right now. I'm hoping that you will "cut yourself some slack," "go easy on yourself," and "say 'No" once in a while." Peace.

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  18. You write so well and with such honesty, which ever path you chose to allow us to visit with you, I will follow.

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  19. It must be something like "jing' is in Chinese. Jing is one's vitality that is stored in the kidneys. One should protect and nourish their jing because the body has only enough for one lifetime. When it is used up, it can't be replenished but you can keep your vitality going with proper food nourishment.

    Another very honest and heart warming ppst, Dee.

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  20. "Be kind to yourself" --is something we all need to remember.. Sometimes, through the years, I was not kind to me... I worked a million hours a day and did not take care of me at all... These days I look back and know that things could have been so different and so much better IF I had have taken time to 'be kind to ME'...... Oh Well--tis life...

    I enjoy ANYTHING you write about. You are a fabulous writer.
    Hugs,
    Betsy

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  21. I'm fascinated with what you shared about psychic energy. I have never before heard an explanation quite this way, Dee, and it's so interesting. I think I can kind of understand how it would be possible to use it all up rather than keep it available for the remainder of a person's decade! You must have had an incredible intensity about you during that time. Learning how to love and nurture ourselves doesn't come naturally to everyone. Those early childhood experiences can set us on a path that makes it very hard to learn those nurturing lessons. I'm so glad you did! It may have taken a long time, but you DID learn to be gracious to yourself. I am so interested in your life as a whole that it's hard for me to state a preference for where to go next! I am finding the psychiatry very interesting, but I will at the same time agree with others that you must listen to your own heart here. Whatever you feel like you want to share is what is most interesting to each of us. I guarantee! oxo

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  22. Hi Dee. My name is also Dee and this is my first time visiting your blog. I am also writing a book and when I'm finished, I hope to have it published as well. I was really engrossed in the story you shared about your life. It made me realize that sometimes I struggle with being gracious to myself, too.

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  23. Be gracious to yourself - and others. Lovely words to live by.

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  24. Learning to love ourselves is more difficult for some than others. It took me a while to get there, too. And I agree - life becomes so much easier after you reach that point. Congratulations!

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  25. Be gracious to yourself. Such powerful words that ring strong for my own life right now. One of the things I love most about reading your words is how they speak to wherever I happen to be at the time. I hope your new eye drops work out, and that whatever direction you take next with your writing satisfies some deep part of yourself.

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  26. Dee...you sure have a great following. What you write has had an impact on many, not just on you. My perception (after reading many of your posts and comments to me) is that now, right now...you know yourself very well. The special part of that, is the impact your words have on others. I feel your energy, and it tells me that you are able to cut yourself some slack. I envy your ability to remember your past in such detail...and then being comfortable enough to share it.

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  27. Like everyone else, i will devour whatever you choose to write about, Dee. I love that final kind and wise word of advice from Doctor C. Be gracious to yourself - something we all should do. How can you love your neighbour and be kind to him or her, if you don't love yourself and are kind to yourself?

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